This transcription was made shortly after I had a miscarriage, my partner had been sterilised when I was about 11.The psychiatrist who sectioned me soon after had really taken to my abuser he was charming and manipulative. He had given us the go ahead for fertility treatment and didn’t want this scandal to discredit his own judgement easier to have me put in hospital again, he exaggerated my testimony and distorted to make it seem like I was a real crack pot. He said  I said “I was given shining lights ” odd thing to say… Which I didn’t. I had been describing the treatment at the 1st psychiatric hospital I was taken to at 16 to silence me when I was about to speak out. The police interview again was made totally elusive for me instead when I waited for them to arrive at our remote farm I was taken away to a psychiatric hospital, as you may hear from the original tape I was completely cogent and being bullied and silenced by my ex.

I had nothing further to lose I would spend my life childless if I stayed, so I was suddenly a big threat.The horses and life there had been good. I had thought my youth may give me the upper hand over my abusers power eventually he had shown no signs of  abusing again, he could be extremely violent though and suicidal. Perhaps I’m naive but I remember him crying on my shoulder at 12 saying he hated what he did and I didn’t understand that it was wrong  and that he had been brought into it all firstly against his will I pitied his mental illness and often tried to empathise which was a mistake but I didn’t have much choice but to see it that way then.

I met his brother in London I managed to confront a few things with him. I also met another abuser who I felt pity and mixed emotions for on my return to my home town. The day centre had been full of abusers and abused all kept down on the same level. They took his testimony as usual, although he was always  paranoid and anxious and on meds his female friend had real issues too.

my future reunion this other one who at my dads work had sexual contact with me, was something they tried to nail me down with further calling my mental health into question as usual and using that and my complaints about involved medical people to have me held in a cell for 5 hours, when I had been asked to come in to be interviewed( not fingerprinted and held in a cell) I had spoken to warn his female friend about what I had been told by another friend inicials N J . I had been denied access to staff at a day centre who should have helped and certainly after repeatedly being turned away by police evidence lost etc I thought the only way was to deal with things myself, fight or flight being the energy level there and I never ran from it all and hid…I had known the dynamics of abuse my whole life the desperation of people around me and the intensity they projected onto me.

I can send the police interview, I was vulnerable and being really messed about by him he was basically not sure if he was gay but it seems that was the stronger repressed leaning. He would follow me send me flowers say he was sorry and that he had never done what he did to me to another child… I had kind of fancied him when I met him all those years before and it hadn’t been a serious assault so I felt confused as to how I should feel.

I should have run away but he was in my social group for many years and I couldn’t avoid it all completely, my status was so oppressed I felt more akin to the people with mental health issues in those days and liked to work to help them as I had with MIND.


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